Im happy but there is a heavy feeling of sadness in my heart that I just can't remove. Why am I like this?

When I stopped trying to force myself to be something I am not, I gave myself the freedom of being who I am.

I was tired of fighting.

It’s the most beautiful and liberating thing in the world.

Why do so many 18 to 29-year-old men struggle in dating?

But unlike before, there is no more resistance to the sadness.

It’s impossible to overstate the freedom and peace I discovered, and I realized the only one who had been keeping those from me was… me and my imagined standards and expectations for how I had imagined I should be.

It wasn’t until about 10 years ago that I finally fell out of that ferris wheel of trying and failing to fix myself.

If Jesus spoke against abortion and prioritized family values, how quickly would he be dismissed as a patriarchal figure by modern progressives?

And the sadness?

Be who you already are.

So if you are sad - like me - then be sad.

Why do Republicans only believe in two genders? How do they explain Caitlin Jenner and George Santos?

In the absence of a should, I was free to be as I am.

I had run out of hope.

So I finally threw my hands up and said something to the tune of “fuck it, since I can't seem to change, I’ll just be whatever I am then.”

Why is pornography still alive and not illegal? Why doesn’t the government do about tricking women into them?

Most people that know me would probably describe me as a social, happy, and somewhat quirky person with a twisted sense of humor.

It’s here now, writing to you.

The sadness was still there.

What does the Bible say about the Antichrist? How will we know when he arrives on the scene?

Needless to say, my failed attempts to fix my sadness simply brought me more pain and suffering.

But no matter what I read or practiced, I could never make the sadness budge for longer than a few fleeting moments - and even then, it was likely due to me being distracted from the sensation of sadness rather than anything actually shifting.

For much of my adult life, I interpreted this sadness as something being wrong - with either myself or my life in general.

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You are like me, then.

It’s difficult to put into words exactly what caused what, but to the best of my ability to describe it, I felt as if my will to keep fighting was beaten right out of me.

This interpretation lead me on a path of self improvement, to fix what I considered to be “wrong” with myself.

How do you complete “Ciao bell'uomo, come stai oggi, buongiorno signore, sono Jennifer Rose Louis, come ti chiami”?

What most people don’t know unless they’ve looked more closely is that there is also an element of deep, profound sadness that has always been with me since as long as I can remember.

You are the masterpiece you came here to discover.

It’s still here.

What was your first impression of The Carter V by Lil Wayne? Did it feel like 2008 Wayne, when you heard the first few songs.

Your job is not to be the manager of your life, but the one who discovers yourself fully.

What I am trying to say is that when you stop trying to change yourself into something you are not, you give yourself the gift of discovering yourself as you already are.

I was tired of trying and failing.

Why do I feel sleepy after massage?

Without resistance, sadness has a sense of beauty and depth I cannot find otherwise in life.

Now, this may sound like a story of failure and giving up, but it’s actually a story of liberation.